“I forgive him.”
We heard those words Sunday from Erika Kirk, spoken about the young man who had murdered her husband less than two weeks before, and her message immediately went around the world. God bless Erika Kirk for her very difficult act of forgiveness, for sharing it with us and for inspiring others to forgive. I hope it starts a tsunami of forgiveness because forgiveness can heal the world.
The Lord forgives us, we are told to forgive, we want to do his will — so we forgive.
It might sound simple, but it is the hardest thing one ever has to do if it means forgiving a person who committed a horrendous act against someone you love.
My 18-year-old son Brian was murdered by two young people who didn’t know him and didn’t care. Brian was a student at a Catholic university, sound asleep in his off-campus house when two men high on crack chose that house at random, broke in, beat Brian unmercifully — quite literally — killed him and left him outside for the elements and animals. It took police, rescuers and searchers five days to find his body. Before his body had been found, I publicly forgave my son’s killers.
How does one forgive something so heinous? Only by the grace, the power and the strength of God and the dependence, faithfulness, obedience and love we all owe God.
And that, my friend, changes almost everything. It changes your heart. You can go from confusion, tension, trauma, heartache and intense grief to being clear-headed, calm and comforted in the midst of heartache and intense grief (yes, heartache and grief stay).
True forgiveness
Forgiveness does not take away the God-given desire for justice. And that’s a gift from God. True forgiveness means to refuse to hate or want revenge, but it strengthens your desire and need for justice because justice and forgiveness (mercy) have to go together. They are united in God; they have to be united in us, or our forgiveness is not total and complete.
Forgiving doesn’t mean excusing. Bad behavior should not be brushed off. That won’t help anyone. Our Lord forgave the good thief, but he didn’t take away his punishment. Forgiveness is real when we say to the offender, “You did something wrong, and I forgive you. Let’s correct it together.”
But be ready for the temptations. Whenever someone is trying to do God’s will, the devil is trying to make them do the opposite. Be alert, stay strong. Don’t give in. Think. Reason. Pray. Fight.
An act of forgiveness is not a one-time event, which Erika Kirk will learn, if she hasn’t already. It has to be repeated, probably many times. Not because the act of forgiveness wasn’t true and authentic, but because we are human beings with emotions that can overcome us. I remember seeing one of Brian’s killers in person on the first day of his two-week trial, and the feelings that welled up inside of me were scary. I made that act of forgiveness again. And again and again over the years. We have to ignore what we “feel” like doing (not forgiving) and do what we know God wants us to do. Then, the grace and power of God, and the comfort and calmness He gives again, will take over once more.
More than words
And that’s not all. An act of forgiveness isn’t just words, just like saying “I love you” can’t be empty words. Show me, we might say. A true act of forgiveness has another component that can’t be separated from it: the requirement to have good will toward the person who has hurt you. We are Christians. Christians don’t just walk away. Christians stay and try to change the world.
The Christian meaning of forgiveness is to refuse to hate, to love justice and to have good will toward the person who hurt you and your loved one. That means wanting what is best for them, praying for them, loving them with the very real love of salvation.
That sounds hard to do, but it isn’t once you are committed to that act of forgiveness that you have to renew again and again.
That good will toward someone who has hurt you has to be extended to the whole community, the whole church, the whole country and the whole world! It’s so beautiful. Once you can have good will toward someone who killed or hurt someone you love, you can have good will toward anyone. Your heart opens. You love others like you have never loved before. And you want to go to work, helping others become who God created them to be.
So you give yourself to others. You do something for others. Serving others is the best medicine you will ever take. Forgiveness is a balm; serving others is the cure.
Forgiveness can change the world. Please pray that Erika Kirk will turn to God when she needs to renew her act of forgiveness, however many times it takes. And please pray for everyone who has something to forgive — pray that they do it. Is it you? Choose to forgive. The world will be a better place.
In doing so, we fulfill the great mission we are given in Romans 12:21: “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
Rachel Muha writes for OSV News from Columbus, Ohio, where she serves inner-city children through the Run the Race Center and Day School. Her story can be found in “Legacy of Mercy: A True Story of Murder and a Mother’s Forgiveness” (OSV, 2022)
